If you’ve been a reader of my content for several years now, you will know I’ve done this before… yep, that’s right, I’ve got to the point where I literally have to rehash my old blog posts to keep you entertained… honestly, shame on you for reading…

You will, however, be happy to know that I have updated my list and rewritten some of the reasoning behind them.

Anyway, if you can say each of these factors applies to you, you can safely say you are a proper cyclist. Hit us up on social media (@spokesfit) to let me know how many apply to you, or to simply send some hate for the lazy content creation...

 

Your cycling shoes are your most expensive pair of footwear

Surely this is true for everyone? A custom set of Lake Cycling shoes, where you can get creative and have shoes designed exactly to your taste, might set you back north of £500.00, highly worth it though for both design and performance (& showing off!).

Meanwhile, somewhere at the back of the closet are a far cheaper, and sad looking, pair of shoes that you only get out for special occasions, and only after spending several minutes contemplating taking the cleats off your cycling shoes.

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Your bike(s) are more expensive that your car

**Legal Disclaimer** If this factor doesn’t apply to you as you have a really nice car, the type that costs more than a fully loaded Dogma F12, I am legally obliged to tell you we have captured your IP address and you will be requested to pay a *small* subscription fee to read future blog posts. Sorry, but I need the money to fix my beater…

In all seriousness, this might not apply to everyone. How about the cumulative cost of all your bikes, kit and cycling accessories, is all that more expensive than your car? If not, you’re either doing very well or not a cyclist… sorry, those are the rules, although I might be persuaded to change them...

 

You cycle more miles than you drive

The caveat to this is if you drive for your work, then you are given a pass on this. However, for those of you who either use a bike for work or commute via bike, you get an extra point. Yep that’s right, for some reason there’s now a point system in this ‘rule’ madness…

Half point for anyone who spends more time on their bike than in their car, that’s a good effort. Hit me up for some info on how I can help you reach a speed where you can challenge yourself to get the full point by riding more miles than you drive. Yep, now there’s a shameless coaching service plug in here… seriously, why are you still reading…

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You give a lanes worth of road for other cyclists

Because you’re not a duck-head…

 

You wash more cycling kit than regular clothes

The only way this doesn’t apply is if you are grim. Seriously, please wash your cycling kit after every use. What your hygiene routine consists of off-the-bike is your business, but I don’t need that smell when I’m riding with you.

If you need a simple way of knowing if you smell bad, here’s a system to help.

One thing from going to festivals, if you can’t smell something bad, it’s probably because the smell is coming from you. Same applies with cycling. Go smell the group. Can’t smell anything bad? That means it’s you. Get a bath.

 

You receive more cycling related emails than anything else

“It’s been beautiful. I’ve really enjoyed our late night talks and all the times you sent me dirty pics. Unfortunately, I am running out of stories to tell my partner about where my money goes and, if me slamming my laptop closed and screaming like the time my mum walked in on me when I was 13 is anything to go by, they are starting to suspect I’m having an affair.

It is for these reasons, and with deep regret, that I am cancelling my subscription to your email list. It has been amazing and you will always have a place in my heart.”

This is what I offered when Wiggle asked me why I was unsubscribing. They couldn’t care that I was in tears...

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You include cycling expenses before working out your disposable income

For fork sake… what do you mean you don’t budget… aren’t you even an adult, though…? If you don’t budget, your chaotic life confuses me and you automatically lose all your points so far.

For those who are adulting very well, I’m 99% certain you join me in having a line in your budget that sits high on your list of priorities (above rent or mortgage payments?) for cycling related expenses. Either that or you allocate additional budget to another area so your partner doesn’t see it. Either way, the family only gets fun after you have satisfied your bike needs.

Want a way to make your bike expenses tax deductible? We are always looking for new coaches. See, I know how to play nice...

 

You need an alarm to get up for work, but not for cycling

You don’t need a snooze button to get up for the group ride, but you need a fog horn to get out of bed for work. I feel your pain, that’s why I write like this… some form of payback I guess…

You know why cyclists don’t think about losing sleep during daylight savings? Because we are too busy thinking about how good our Sunday ride will be. True story.

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Walking is seen as an unnecessary risk

You only need to turn your ankle once in your life to know that walking isn’t worth it. Fat people have been ahead of us for years, sitting there in their motorised wheelchairs. Clever, smug, forkers…

Remember that your recovery needs you: take the lift, elevator, traveltor, escalator or stair master...

 

You look at more bike porn more than the regular kind

Be honest, you either came here from looking at porn or you’re going to after finishing reading. Well, me too as we are only human. Why shouldn’t we stare at pictures or videos that make us forget our partners. The filth that makes your heart beat fast, get a little sweat on, and get a bit flushed… yeah, I want that Specialized Venge Pro too…

How many of these factors apply to you? Honestly, I don’t care, I’m being distracted by the thought of doing something nasty to that beautiful American piece I was just looking at…

 

Get in Contact:

If you’d like more information on how Spokes can tailor a training programme to your exact needs, why not check out our products and services. Need more info or would you like to speak to one of our coaches? Get in contact.

About The Author: Pav Bryan

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